Why the world would be doomed if I were a princess
I watched Krull tonight, a typical fantasy movie, a great evil scourges the lands, the prince and princess try to get married, evil kidnaps her, and the prince ( or new king) tries to save her. I don’t get it.
Maybe I am just not a great believer of true, romantical, all consuming love... but give me the choice between the new king of a broken land and his rag tag army of 5 including the comic relief and obligatory kid and on the other hand the supreme evil ruler of the universe who wants you for a wife, can change shape at will and is power incarnate... Let’s just say you’re all screwed.
I would probably scream a little as I get abducted, not too much mind you; you want to leave something for the wedding night. Then I’d start drilling my adductor for details about my soon to be spouse, is he the torture maniac kind / evil overlord/ general of a vast army/ incarnation of some mythical evil. Knowing your husband to be tastes will help you in your marriage later on. Once I get delivered to the castle /mansion/ palace/ spaceship of my suitor I will observe a proper mourning ritual...bout 2 days will do I think. You don’t want the new guy thinking you get stuck in a rut too fast, nor that you were too attached. In that time I would be sure to have him tempt me with dresses, jewels, slaves, spices and all other things exotic that go with general tempting.
The prince unbeknownst of all this is just about finished gathering his new army, having his side-quests and reducing seductresses (he’s such a good guy isn’t he?) out of the way, ready to march to the evil castle /mansion/ palace/ spaceship.
Drop your evil overlord suitor a little list with best ways to dispose of the old prince, you really don’t want the prince defeating the evil overlord in the last two minutes leaving you with a mess to clean up and probably an evil army gone rogue stuck in your old kingdom. Make sure to not be to clear about this, I recommend sentences like: “Oh (insert princes name) I’d rather die then betray your secret weakness is ALOE VERA AT EXACTLY 48 DEGREES CELCIUS SPREAD ON A BANANA FORCE FED TO YOU”. Be sure to pretend you didn’t see the microphone/ lackey listening at the door/ all Seeing Eye peering in/ recorders/ phone taps or obvious spy posing as other prisoner.
Once the evil overlord calls you to tell you the prince is dead ask for conformation saying you cannot believe it unless you touch his severed head (effective and makes sure he really isn’t coming back) In grief tear off half your dress and mess up your hair. Either have your evil overlord ravish you there or seek his comfort in the middle of the night (preferable Vin Diesel shaped comfort). I’m more of a right here, right now on the floor kind of person, but tastes differ.
Now I am not a fatalist I would say, since puberty I haven’t even toyed with the idea of suicide and I am sure that until I get old and euthanasia becomes an issue I won’t really start thinking about it either. But I swear to god, if someone tells me the world is doomed unless I do something horribly straining and arduous and half way through in some sub-plot I am offered a chance to live in a fantasy world of my making or step outside of time.... I’d take it. I simply don’t have that much of a bond with all you people to go and traverse oceans and climb mountains or stick my hands in fire or any other such nonsense. If this world wants saving it had better get off of its ass. Don’t expect me to do it all.
I know it’s been a while since I updated and some uppity pseudo Brit called Ken Ken reminded me off that (seriously man, thanks for reading :P) So lets all thank Ken Ken on Skype! (Or not as most of you don’t actually use Skype.
once again a farewell and until we meet again
Maybe I am just not a great believer of true, romantical, all consuming love... but give me the choice between the new king of a broken land and his rag tag army of 5 including the comic relief and obligatory kid and on the other hand the supreme evil ruler of the universe who wants you for a wife, can change shape at will and is power incarnate... Let’s just say you’re all screwed.
I would probably scream a little as I get abducted, not too much mind you; you want to leave something for the wedding night. Then I’d start drilling my adductor for details about my soon to be spouse, is he the torture maniac kind / evil overlord/ general of a vast army/ incarnation of some mythical evil. Knowing your husband to be tastes will help you in your marriage later on. Once I get delivered to the castle /mansion/ palace/ spaceship of my suitor I will observe a proper mourning ritual...bout 2 days will do I think. You don’t want the new guy thinking you get stuck in a rut too fast, nor that you were too attached. In that time I would be sure to have him tempt me with dresses, jewels, slaves, spices and all other things exotic that go with general tempting.
The prince unbeknownst of all this is just about finished gathering his new army, having his side-quests and reducing seductresses (he’s such a good guy isn’t he?) out of the way, ready to march to the evil castle /mansion/ palace/ spaceship.
Drop your evil overlord suitor a little list with best ways to dispose of the old prince, you really don’t want the prince defeating the evil overlord in the last two minutes leaving you with a mess to clean up and probably an evil army gone rogue stuck in your old kingdom. Make sure to not be to clear about this, I recommend sentences like: “Oh (insert princes name) I’d rather die then betray your secret weakness is ALOE VERA AT EXACTLY 48 DEGREES CELCIUS SPREAD ON A BANANA FORCE FED TO YOU”. Be sure to pretend you didn’t see the microphone/ lackey listening at the door/ all Seeing Eye peering in/ recorders/ phone taps or obvious spy posing as other prisoner.
Once the evil overlord calls you to tell you the prince is dead ask for conformation saying you cannot believe it unless you touch his severed head (effective and makes sure he really isn’t coming back) In grief tear off half your dress and mess up your hair. Either have your evil overlord ravish you there or seek his comfort in the middle of the night (preferable Vin Diesel shaped comfort). I’m more of a right here, right now on the floor kind of person, but tastes differ.
Now I am not a fatalist I would say, since puberty I haven’t even toyed with the idea of suicide and I am sure that until I get old and euthanasia becomes an issue I won’t really start thinking about it either. But I swear to god, if someone tells me the world is doomed unless I do something horribly straining and arduous and half way through in some sub-plot I am offered a chance to live in a fantasy world of my making or step outside of time.... I’d take it. I simply don’t have that much of a bond with all you people to go and traverse oceans and climb mountains or stick my hands in fire or any other such nonsense. If this world wants saving it had better get off of its ass. Don’t expect me to do it all.
I know it’s been a while since I updated and some uppity pseudo Brit called Ken Ken reminded me off that (seriously man, thanks for reading :P) So lets all thank Ken Ken on Skype! (Or not as most of you don’t actually use Skype.
once again a farewell and until we meet again
posted by Lexy | 10/26/2006 11:05:00 PM
|
0 comments
